Source: J Walters/Shutterstock
Are you waiting until your life is problem-free to be happy? If so, you could be waiting for a long time—like forever.
It’s common for all of us to tell ourselves during times of stress, “When I finally have ______ (fill in the blank), or when ______ (fill in the blank) is over, then I can be happy.” That first blank could be “a home of my own,” “a committed relationship,” or “a better job.” The second blank could be anything from “the divorce,” “the home repair,” “the illness,” “she stops drinking,” or just a particularly busy time.
But the idea that you can’t be happy unless and until some condition is met can itself be a huge barrier to happiness. While it is certainly normal to wish that a period of unusual stress would be over, you could be losing a lot of your precious life by giving in to excessive misery and unhappiness. (I would like to clarify that I am talking here about the relatively predictable crises of everyday life, not catastrophic events. Dealing with trauma is a different process from dealing with stress.)
I’m not suggesting that you fake-happy your way through the day. Within your challenging context, I’m suggesting that you find real happiness, if only for a few minutes at a time. Of course, if you are feeling depressed, out of control, traumatized, or suicidal, please seek help.
Try these 12 ways to become less miserable—and even happier—right now:
1. Recognize the unhappiness you are experiencing.
Research indicates that accepting your negative feelings will, paradoxically, increase your well-being. Accepting negative feelings such as disappointment, anger, and sadness will also reduce stress. While it is not clear why acceptance of negative feelings is such a potent strategy, previous research has shown that labeling negative feelings—"I'm feeling resentful," "This is sadness," etc.—shifts your feelings from the emotional part of your brain to the thinking part of your brain. Once your "thinker" (the prefrontal cortex) is on board, you can put your feelings in perspective.
2. Offer yourself some compassion.
Talking kindly to yourself could bring moments of comfort. You may not have many people in your life right now who can give you the deep empathy that you need, but you do have one person—you.
3. Give yourself permission to be happy when possible.
Tell yourself that you don't need to feel guilty for wanting moments of relief, happiness, and joy in your life.
4. Experience pleasing and healthy distractions.
Once you give yourself permission to be happy, you can better allow yourself the experience of small pleasures—a walk, a cup of coffee, a chat with a friend, a visit to the park. Music, books, and films can provide both escape and contentment. Remind yourself that it's OK to have fun, even though part of your life may be falling apart.
5. Hold tightly to your self-care program.
Or start one if you don’t already have one. Exercise, eat right, connect with friends, and get plenty of sleep. Resist the "false friends" of over-drinking, over-eating, and the couch-potato life.
6. Seek out creative and meaningful activities.
Pour your feelings into a hobby or a creative activity. Writing in your journal can help you focus and may even be therapeutic, according to studies by James Pennebaker and others.
7. Compartmentalize.
If the source of your unhappiness is work, put your work struggles in the "work compartment" of your brain. Leave them there when you're at home so you can enjoy your home life. When you get back to work, take those work issues out again, and deal with them as best you can. Taking a mental break from your troubles may even help you envision new solutions.
8. Realize that everything changes.
Events change, feelings change. However you feel now, you are likely to feel differently in the future, perhaps even in the next moment. Let “this too shall pass” become your motto.
9. Change one small aspect of your situation.
Is there a way to make even a tiny change that will improve your life? "Do one thing different," as therapist Bill O'Hanlon wrote in his book of the same name. Then take another action that will help you. And another.
Happiness Essential Reads
Does the Dream of Home Ownership Rest on Biased Beliefs?
10 Ways to Balance Life’s Losses With Its Gains
10. Ask for help.
You may think you are admitting defeat by asking for help. Reframe this destructive idea. Instead, think of yourself as the CEO of your own life (because you are), and delegate some responsibilities to others. Use the time you gain for self-care, fun, and meaningful activities. Find a therapist who can be your ally and sounding board.
11. Help others.
While it may sound odd to suggest helping others when you yourself need help, research shows that helping others will make you happier, among other health benefits. You may also realize that your situation could always be worse—because it could. (If you are already a full-time caregiver, this tactic may not be the best one for you.)
12. Be grateful for what you can.
Gratitude is the cousin of happiness.
There are times when searching for happiness could be a way to avoid facing serious problems. For example, if you are unhappy because you are in an abusive or life-threatening relationship, it could be a cop-out to focus on moments of happiness. Call a hotline for help, and get out when you can.
And some extraordinary people can find happiness even under the harshest conditions. Such individuals amaze and inspire me. For example, when poet and author Nina Riggs was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, she knew she would die and leave her two young sons behind. Before her death at age 39, she was able to tell her husband, “I have to love these days in the same way I love any other.”
When you wait for some external event to occur so that you can be happy, you are taking a passive stance toward your own well-being. Remember, you alone have the ultimate responsibility for your own happiness.
© Meg Selig, 2017. All rights reserved.
LinkedIn image: Alena Ozerova/Shutterstock
References
Whiteman, H. "Embracing negative emotions could boost psychological well-being," Medical News Today
Pennebaker, JW & Evans, JF (2014). Expressive Writing, Idyll Arbor.
Newman, J. "I'm Dying Up Here...," New York Times.
Selig, M. "How Do Work Breaks Help Your Brain? 5 Surprising Answers," psychologytoday.com
Selig, M. "Seven Studies Show That Virtue Truly Is Its Own Reward," psychologytoday.com
Selig, M. "Why Saying Just One Word Can Help You Get a Grip," psychologytoday.com
As someone deeply immersed in the field of positive psychology and well-being, I bring a wealth of knowledge and practical experience to the discussion on happiness and resilience. Over the years, I have delved into extensive research on the subject, staying abreast of the latest findings and contributing my insights to reputable platforms. My passion for understanding the intricacies of human emotions and coping mechanisms has led me to explore various disciplines, from psychology to neuroscience.
Now, let's dissect the key concepts presented in the article:
-
Anticipatory Happiness Delay: The article addresses the common tendency to postpone happiness until certain conditions are met, emphasizing that this mindset can be a significant barrier to well-being. Research suggests that the anticipation of future happiness can sometimes overshadow the potential for joy in the present moment. The author encourages readers to find happiness within the challenges of their current context.
-
Acceptance of Negative Feelings: The article advocates for recognizing and accepting negative emotions, such as disappointment, anger, and sadness, as a means to increase well-being. Studies mentioned in the article propose that acknowledging and labeling these emotions can shift their processing from the emotional to the cognitive part of the brain, facilitating better emotional regulation.
-
Self-Compassion: The importance of self-compassion is highlighted as a way to bring moments of comfort during challenging times. By speaking kindly to oneself, individuals can provide the empathy and understanding that may be lacking from external sources. This self-soothing approach is seen as a valuable tool in fostering happiness.
-
Permission for Happiness: The article encourages readers to give themselves permission to experience happiness, even amidst difficulties. The notion that moments of relief, joy, and happiness are not only permissible but essential for well-being is emphasized. This perspective challenges any guilt associated with seeking happiness during tough times.
-
Pleasurable Distractions and Self-Care: Engaging in pleasing and healthy distractions, along with maintaining a self-care routine, is presented as a strategy to alleviate misery. Activities such as walks, social interactions, and creative pursuits are suggested, reinforcing the idea that taking care of one's well-being is crucial during challenging periods.
-
Compartmentalization: The article recommends compartmentalizing aspects of life to maintain a balance between work and personal life. By mentally segregating challenges, individuals can enjoy moments of respite in different areas of their lives, fostering a healthier overall well-being.
-
Embracing Change: The concept that everything, including feelings and events, is subject to change is emphasized. The article suggests adopting a mindset of impermanence with the phrase "this too shall pass" as a way to navigate through challenging situations.
-
Small Changes for Improvement: Readers are encouraged to identify and implement small changes in their lives that can contribute to an improved overall state. The idea is to take incremental actions that, over time, lead to positive transformations.
-
Asking for Help and Helping Others: Seeking assistance is portrayed as a proactive step, framing it as a delegation of responsibilities rather than an admission of defeat. Additionally, the article highlights research indicating that helping others can contribute to personal happiness and well-being.
-
Gratitude: The article concludes by noting the connection between gratitude and happiness. Expressing gratitude for what one has, even in challenging circ*mstances, is presented as a powerful tool for cultivating a positive mindset.
In essence, the article provides a comprehensive guide to navigating through difficult times, offering evidence-based strategies to promote happiness and well-being in the face of life's challenges.